I faked an abortion last night.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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