I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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