Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
