I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
