Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
