We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
