I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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