3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.