She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
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The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
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Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.