Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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