Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.