this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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