having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Green mimosas i think yes
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?