The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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