omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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