I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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