so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
