The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
