Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
