Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
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Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
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That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.