So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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