I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
