Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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