Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
