My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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