sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So apparently I’m into choking now
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
