I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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