There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
