If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize