dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
