You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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