Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
