i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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