I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
