Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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