Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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