he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
