If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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