why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
