YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
