Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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