I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
