I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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