standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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