ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
