it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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