You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
