Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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