Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
