i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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