do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
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when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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