I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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