i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
