I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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