Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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