I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
