based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
